ABCs of Bangkok

(The following ran in the 1 Sept. issue of Guru, the entertainment magazine that runs in every Fridays' Bangkok Post. I managed to eke this out through a miasma of jetlag, mind you, so it's very long and occasionally very, very lame (i.e. sections I, O, X, and similar). But if you sift through the chaff, you might find some wheat. Probably not enough to bake a loaf, but perhaps a wee bap or two.)

In a departure from the usual format, I’ve decided to create an ABCs of Bangkok to express my pleasure on returning yesterday to the City of Angels.

Before we begin today’s lesson, I should give credit where it’s due for the alphabetical inspiration: for the general idea, Janice Santikarn’s and Toni Skinner’s whimsical, illustrated “ABC of Thailand” board book for children (available at AsiaBooks, Kinokuniya, Bookazine, Books on 53, etc.) and for tweaking the idea into an adult versioin, Daniel Ziv’s and Guy Sharett’s affectionate, warts-and-all “Bangkok Inside Out” essay/photo compendium (available only, due to an absurd banning decree, at Bookazine).

A...
stands for Aw Taw Kaw Market. Six weeks of shopping to the strains of Muzak-droning in bland American supermarkets have made me hunger (literally!) for the sights, smells, and, most importantly, tastes of this Thai Cooperative Market across from Chatuchak Market on Paholyothin Rd. I like taking the subway out here to sample Thai desserts, fruits, curries and enticing foods I’ve never had before -- my hands always hurt by the time I get home, from carrying back so many bags of loot.

B...
stands for barbecue -- kai yang, to be more precise. Mmm, just writing about it makes my mouth water. The herbs and spices in the marinade make the grilled chicken taste so good, and crisps up the bird’s skin just right. The lady who makes it across the street from Sukhumvit Soi 49’s Villa Market cooks up a mean kai yang, as well as sublime som tam made to order. If I finish this column in time, I might just make it there before her cart vanishes at 3pm...

C...
stands for cinema. My first U.S. cinema experience in a long time helped me appreciate what an extra-special treat it is to see a film here. In the States, the equivalent of about 480bt often guarantees you no more than a mangy seat, a sticky floor, only one or two previews, and the feature film. Here, a much more reasonably priced ticket usually gets you a comfortable seat, attractive surroundings, seemingly endless adverts and previews (OK, I’m a sucker for those), the feature, and, most notably, the lovely ritual of spending a few moments honouring His Majesty the King. In the U.S., I reflexively kept wondering, when will we stand up to honour...oh, yeah, we’re not in Thailand, and anyway, whom would we stand up for to honour here? I’d refuse to do so for ole’ Monkey Face. (Is it 2008 yet?)

D...
stands for dogs. That’s right, I said it: Dogs. I love doggies and kitties, the more mutt the better, and as our felllow Bangkok residents they deserve to be recognized for the services they provide in acting as de facto guards; making use of sidewalk diners’ and street vendors’ scraps at the end of the day; driving away vermin; and generally adding moments of humour and affection to their human neighbours’ days. If you’re not yet charmed by the plucky nature of Bangkok canines, check out www.bkkstreetdogs.blogspot.com. If you’re so charmed by the pups that you want to help homeless ones by donating some spare change or adopting, please visit www.soidogrescue.org.

E...
stands for elephant, which seems particularly appropriate now as the Chiang Mai Night Safari aims to send five allegedly wild (i.e. endangered) elephants to China on 7 Sept. Conservation groups are fighting the move. I wish them luck. As you read this, only approximately 2000 native pachyderms still live in Thailand -- many of whom, only babies, troll the broken, steaming asphalt of Bangkok’s streets at their mahout’s orders, who hope to earn more money from passers-by in exchange for taking photos with them or feeding them fruit, than they would by toiling in, say, rice fields. Dragging living versions of the national symbol through cities this way is illegal but for some reason most authorities seem to look the other way.

F...
stands for food with a capital F. From the way I went on last week, and am now going on again, readers must think I’m the size of a house. I’ll let people who know what I look like be the judge. But who could not rave about the food scene here? (Oh no, this column is turning out longer than I’d expected; the Soi 49 kai yang lady might disappear before I get over there...quick, think of another option...oh, yeah, how about the noodle stall across the street from Ekkamai Soi 3? Mmm!) Better make the rest of the entries shorter...

G...
stands for gay. One of the things that six weeks in the contiguous 48 make you realize is how homophobic many of my fellow Yanks are (I said, “many”, not “all”, mind you), and it’s a relief to be back in a place where a tom can end her statements with a “khrap” if she likes; a dee can wear all the cosmetics he might want (actually, plenty of straight metrosexuals seem to wear makeup these days, too); transgender folks can live in the manner with which they feel at home, and so on, because most khon Thai seem much more comfortable with the fluid, often ambiguous nature of human sexuality. And that’s a healthy way to deal with whatever curve balls (no pun intended) life pitches our way.

H...
stands for Hua Lampong train station. Fine, call me a dorky trainspotter, but this place has it all: charming Victorian architecture; hordes of food hawkers; the constant spectacle of trains coming and going (parents of small kids, take note); a great location near Chinatown and directly over a subway station; and best of all: fantastic people-watching.

I...
stands for I don’t know. May I skip this one, Mr. Editor?

J...
stands for JJs, also known as Jatujak or Chatuchak Not-So-Weekend-Anymore Market. Not long ago if you’d visited this sprawling complex during the week, you’d not see much aside from the plants vendors. Now it’s quite the opposite. When I need gifts to take back to the States, or when I crave the kai phat met mamuang served in a fried taro root “birdsnest” at Toh Plue restaurant in the Dream Section, I hop on the Skytrain or subway to JJs of a weekday in order to beat the crowds.

K...
stands for kites, which my family love to fly out at Phra Ram IX park, Lumpini Park, or at Srinakarinwirot University on Sukhumvit Soi 23. Isn’t it cool that Thai language for kite is “wow”? ’Cause that’s what people often exclaim as they watch a kite dance about in the sky: “Wow!” Why, yes, it is a wow.

L...
stands for language. Bangkok rivals New York in being a polyglot paradise. In this coffee shop right now, for example, I can hear chattering in Bahasa Malaysia, a Chinese dialect, Thai, Swedish, and English. Far out.

M...
stands for massage, of course. To which I promptly treated myself after unpacking all of the bags we lugged back from the States. Just one hour of this per week can keep one sane and one’s blood circulating round in a healthy fashion.

N...
stands for the Neilson Hays Library, which offers peaceful respite from the tumult of downtown -- oh, and books to borrow as well. Art exhibitions, entertaining lecture series, and children’s story times also make a pilgrimmage to the Neilson Hays worth the time and effort. See www.neilsonhayslibrary.com.

O...
stands for orgasm. Just kidding! Did that wake you up? Sorry, I couldn’t think of anything for O.

P...
stands for poi, which are a traditional Maori dance prop from New Zealand. Expert poi spinners needing new equipment or novices seeking guidance should head to Soi Rambutri, off Khao San Road, and look for Khun Pat near the front of Bangkok Bar. He sells his gorgeous homemade poi and offers tips for beginners.

Q...
stands for quiver, as in “the coconut jelly quivered in a banana-leaf cup.”

R...
stands for rice, specifically red, or unpolished, rice. I ate entirely too much bread and potatoes in the States. Tsk, tsk. Red rice bursts with vitamins and minerals, and tastes nuttier and more interesting than khao suay.

S...
stands for Suan Lum Night Bazaar. Enjoy a meal in the beer garden , serenaded by local bands, before The Man flattens it and turns most of the area into -- you guessed it! -- another shopping mall. Just what downtown Bangkok needs.

T...
stands for taxi drivers, of motosai and auto. Ubiquitous, affordable, entertaining, usually courteous, these dudes make getting around at street level so much faster than in, say, taxi shortage-plagued Manhattan. Considering the rise in fuel costs, it’s shocking that their fares haven’t risen in at least five years.

U...
stands for “unusually high tolerance for noise”. You need to have it to enter BigC, Carrefour, TescoLotus, or MBK when they’re throwing a grand promotion.

V...
stands for Violet, the name of Jennifer Garner’s and Ben Affleck’s baby. Oh dear, I’m running out of ideas.

W...
stands for water, which we mustn’t waste as it’s not an endless resource. If we ruin this planet, we’ve nowhere else to go, people! (Pardon me for preaching, but I may as well if I’ve still got anybody’s attention.)

X...
stands for “XMen4”, because everyone knows that “XMen3” wasn’t really the end of the series. And we hope that the Powers-That-Be will replace Brett Ratner as director of the next one.

Y...
stands for...yo’ mama! (Apparently an obscure reference to urban-American taunting slang.--Ed.)

Z...
stands for zebra crossings which most long-time residents know to cross only when using extreme caution. Some foreigners, serene in their international right to procede any time through the pedestrian crosswalk, often stride blithely across despite oncoming traffic -- only to come within inches of being flattened like a roti by the wheels of a huge truck.

Comments

[lillian]

I read it in the Guru... well done !!:-)